Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!

   Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

   My wife found out that I was cheating. How? She found the letters I'd been hiding. She got real mad and said she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   man merely a mistake of G0d's? Or G0d merely a mistake of man?

   Slept alone last night. Very nice. You would be surprised how many girls snore.

   Why I love Asia: I wanted a hooker. Called service. Said I didn't know what I wanted. They sent a van with 10 girls and let me choose.

   No skirt girl just left. She asked if she could wear my shirt home since it was longer than her dress. One less shirt to pack.

   If anything should offend you about Starbucks, it's the price of their coffee.

   Happy B-day United States Marine Corps 240 years of Bad Assery

   Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

   It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart. One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

   She preaches, "It's what on the inside that matters." But then go on to post 20 selfies per day.

   Lacrosse is my favorite sport that combines looking like you're trying to catch a butterfly with having no friends @JhonRules

   If you start a sentence with ''i'm not a racist/sexist/homophobe/etc''... there is a 99.99999% chance that you are.

   The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.

   Everytime a women Posts a status a mans breakfast,lunch,or dinner is late.

   I guess all the sinners have been saved, the homeless housed and the hungry fed so now we can focus on protesting the new Starbucks cup!

   If we were going to give this planet an enema, we would stick the hole right here in the United States.

   I'm glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.