Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember kids -- it may be illegal to text and drive,,, but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

   Q: How do you know your house was robbed by a black guy? A: When your house is robbed

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   Unsubscribing to emails requires three or more clicks,, So I'm just going to keep deleting them for the rest of my life.

   Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

   If you think that a few Latin words over your pancakes is going to turn them into the body of Elvis Presley, you have lost your mind. But if you think more or less the same thing about a cracker and the body of Jesus, you are just a Catholic

   If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again

   My condolences to you and your family who's grandmother was actually ran over by a reindeer....I understand your grief, and the pain from the yearly reminder from the inconsiderate song....

   I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”

   I tell you,The high cost of living ain't nothing like the cost of living high !

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle

   Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?

   Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

   [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"

   Dear Liver: This month is gonna be tough. hang in there and stay strong buddy.

   They called it boxing because fisting was already taken.

   I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..

   The dream if free. The hustle is sold separately.

   My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"