Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You may not get what you want from me, but you'll never forget me.

   The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

   If you watch Cinderella backwards its about a woman who learns her place.

   I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.

   Winning the NFC East this year is like getting a participation trophy.

   Math Quiz: 200,000 Syrian refugees x 10% estimated terrorists = how many ISIS terrorists? According to Obama's math education program, the answer is Zero

   Have you asked yourself "Why is it that the "most transparent administration in history" can't tell you where it's hiding the Syrian refugees and Illegals it's sending around the country?

   How many Syrian refugees will be let in before you are beheaded?

   Don't look now, but your Secret Santa is watching you!

   Seriously, fucktards. Zuckerburg isn't giving anyone 4.5 mill. You're just embarrassing yourself.

   You don't always need a plan Bro, Sometimes you just need Balls . Harden the f*ck up

   You don't alwayds have a Plan, Sometimes you just got to have balls

   Why did the semen cross the road ? Cause I wore the wrong socks today ...

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   If Bruce Jenner can keep his weiner and be considered a woman, I can keep my guns and be considered unarmed.

   Kim and Kanye name their newborn son Saint West because it will take a miracle for him to turn out normal.

   I don't like to make plans too far in advance because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a little sister to play with." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Sure, send me your mom and wait about 9 months."

   When you're tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."..

   No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don't want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.