Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people ask why do I NEED a 30-round magazine for my gun, I say "Why did Rosa Parks NEED to sit at the front of the bus?" Because she had a right to do so. That's why.

   Someone needs to invent a filter that blocks ALL content if it contains certain words: my three words would be: Kardashian, candidate, Bieber.

   The "Reply All" button should be password protected...and you should have to answer a simple math question...and be required to name the Vice President. There...THAT should solve THAT problem.

   Kanye and Kim's kid will be 1/2 huge a$$, and 1/2 huge a$$.

   Hey kids, know what's harder than graduating from college? Busting your a$$ for $hit wages the rest of your life...

   Have as much sex as possible while you're still single. You can abstain when you get married.

   Nothing says I hate you like giving someone a selfie stick as a birthday present.

   I would not even buy my worst enemy a selfie stick for christmas present. I am not that cold.

   I just saw a lady texting while driving. Do women have any idea how dangerous that is for the rest of us? Not the texting part, just them driving in general.

   Guns don't kill people. Husbands that come home early do

   Every Christmas I give my co-workers a card with a picture of my middle finger inside.

   Wonder how much longer humans will continue playing make believe?

   The dumbing down of the human species. We are going backwards in intellect with every new social media app.

   FYI: When you graduate from vegetarian to vegan you are legally required to put a racing stripe on your Prius

   God didn’t make all men equal, Samuel Colt did.

   Squirrel 1: Got directions to across the road?.. Squirrel 2: go left, straight, left, right, right again,back, then just friggin run.... Squirrel 1: nice

   Cop: buzz driving IS drunk driving... Swarm of bees in driver seat: this is bullcrap.

   My day starts just like any normal guy. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat.

   My son just saw Willie Nelson on TV and called him Santa... Hmmm I guess we need to watch more Christmas movies.

   Hip-hop sounds like my grandpa named it.