Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *my finger on her lips* sshhhh, I just told you what I think, don't ruin the moment by saying what you think too.

   Haven't heard much from Clinton lately...she's trying hard to think of something truthful she may have said and trying to build a pathetic campaign around it.

   If a clown farts, does it smell funny?

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   Just once, I want someone to look at me and say,, “That’s him, He’s the one”...And not follow it with, “Who ate cake out of the garbage”

   Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn't it?

   Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.

   Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

   At this point the only other thing Trump could possibly say to anger anymore people is if he said he hated doughnuts.

   Don't ever Under any circumstance Call me by my Government name in public.

   i'm so unlucky,,, if I fell in a bucket of t!t'$ ,,,, i'd come out sucking my thumb!

   Marry a woman who can cook. Anyone can scr3w but a good cook is hard to find.

   What you never hear if you live in Santa Clarita.."I'll be back in a few minutes"

   My GPS says "Estimated time of Arrival." I see "Time to Beat." Game on.

   POF should change its name to POS

   Relationship status: wakes up next to an empty bottle of vodka.

   I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?

   Back in the day 8 bullets couldn't kill a brotha ... Now it takes 16... #thanks50cents

   Just landed my dream job of "before" picture!!!

   Women are always right...even the left handed ones.