Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I hit the powerball this week the first thing I'm buying is a pot to piss in I've always wanted one of those

   I wonder if girls at the University of Alabama call their periods the "Crimson Tide"

   If I win powerball, first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy,Ain't none of these hoes getting that money

   It's like...pizza is the perfect food if you have a dog. Say the dog watches you while you eat, like he's begging. So just give the crusts to the dog. He'll think he's getting his way.

   I’ve never had a safe word, but most of my partners have used distress signals.

   No one likes the person you become when the meds wear off.

   Someone in Walmart just bumped into me and my IQ dropped ten points.

   In hell, you're served sugar free jam on burnt gluten free toast with decaf coffee.

   My middle finger wants to talk to you.

   I think we should hear other voices.

   If you win the $1.3 billion powerball, remember the little people. No seriously, remember the midgets, they probably couldn't reach the counter to order tickets

   Boss makes a Dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time

   Ann Coulter was just diagnosed with testicular cancer.

   Well Christmas tree if finally out of the house, And back on my rear view mirror .

   It may be the Japanese wine talking but...私は酔ってる

   Ladies, if you are a seven or higher, every male friend, co-worker, neighbor and casual acquaintance has imagined themselves banging you. Hope you are comfortable with that.

   When they captured el Chapo, I think they also got rid of El Niño, because it is frickin cold here

   Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't turn out, just take another shot.

   I see that there are now Toy Australian Shepard dogs. What are they going to do herd guinea pigs?

   I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.