Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to your 60s - you now think every car has its brights on.

   My favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

   What if we vaccinate a bunch of mosquitoes next Spring and release them?

   Let me get this straight; a fat man who breaks and enters into my home, who steals all my Christmas cookies, is the one who judges if I'm naughty or nice?

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in the car like they've just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey's Anatomy?

   Due to the extreme coal shortage, Santa will be giving out Justin Bieber cds to all the bad kids this year.

   I wish Santa would just dump 100ft of coal around Biden and Nancy Pelosi's house.

   Some people must go through an awful lot of soap, having to wash 2 faces and all .

   I'm going to adopt a dog and call him Peeve. He'll be my pet, Peeve.

   Tonight I will be visited by 3 "Spirits"............. Rum, Vodka, and Gin.

   Oh! Oh! Oh!" ~Dyslexic Santa

   Santa, you break into people's houses and eat their cookies; don't judge me.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

   Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

   For a generation who can't find a "good man" you ladies sure are pregnant a lot.

   The holiday season is here. Remember to set your scales back 10lbs at midnight.

   Every year, my Christmas list begins with "Dear Santa, my sisters did it. But I have been very good this year, because I'm an angel!

   Dogs be like, "I can eat that whole cake in return for getting smacked on the ass with a newspaper? I'm goin' in!"

   I looked up lighters on Ebay and all I could find was 13,749 matches.

   I'm still a rock star I tell myself as I heal from a finger sprain caused by opening a jug of milk !