Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paul Ryan just listed his spine for sale on Craigslist.

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Sweet!!! I just found a Trump University degree inside a box of Cracker Jack.

   My wife asked me for a sonnet. Never knew she liked fancy hats.

   If Bon Jovi's farewell album isn't called Bon Voyage then what's the point?!?!

   Symptoms of a Gluten allergy are depression, trouble breathing, rash and irritability which tells me my ex must have been a soft pretzel.

   Dad Tip: Read fairytales backwards to your daughter. She'll think it's good to give up being a princess for a life of housecleaning.

   I knew the honeymoon was over when she texted from the bathroom to bring her toilet paper.

   Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.

   Wolverine doesn't apologize nearly enough for a dude from Canada.

   The Lord works in mysterious ways...like when he sent that alligator to drag the toddler off, right in front of his horrified parents. It's all part of His wonderful, divine plan! How mysterious.... Amen!

   After several years of sessions, my psychiatrist has determined that the true source of my crippling insecurities and desperate need for attention is the fact that the host of Romper Room never once said my name when she peered through the Magic Mirror.

   Okay so plus size is in. That lets me out. I'm calculus size.

   Sorry, I can't. It's Toyota's Summer Sale-A-Thon.

   Scooby Doo taught me that the only real monsters are humans.

   Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.

   Dont get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

   I wish I was cool enough to post pictures of my food on Facebook

   I would say "I hope your well", but that would be a lie

   Juice Cleanse Update: I just ate my cat.