Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm provaccine because the thought of having eight children and crossing my fingers that three make it to adulthood is so 1857.

   They are driven to do what they do and no new law will stop them.

   Asked to switch seats on the Plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, thats not allowed if the baby is yours.

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. Heck, I might buy one for that reason alone.

   I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yes. You're a free man now."

   my coffee this morning taste a bit Islamic

   Contrary to popular belief, changing the toilet paper roll does not cause brain damage....

   My minds wanders a lot. Fortunately, it's too weak to go very far.

   In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in front of everyone in the grocery store.

   Strange Jeopardy Categories: Does this look infected to you?

   I love when I can see a grown adult be happier than a kid in a candy store and the candy is shaped like toys!!!

   Taylor Swift reportedly has already dated, broken up with and written a crappy song about Tom Hiddleston.

   Harley Davidson should make motorcycles specifically designed for environmentally conscious owners experiencing midlife crisis.

   How about a carpet with permanent vacuum lines so it always looks clean?

   In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in from of everyone in the grocery store.

   A George Harrison memorial tree was killed by actual beetles. No word yet on if Davy Jones memorial was attacked by monkeys.

   Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don't know who to root for.

   ...... Yes sir, your background check came back just fine .... But I gotta see you eat some Bacon first or it's a no sale.

   Here's a bright idea ..... How about coming up with some Comprehensive Common Sense Terrorist Control instead of the same old talking points?

   OK. Who was the genius that decided to call them Killer Whales and not Sea Pandas?