Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Iceland knocked out Britain out of Euro 2016 soccer. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Brexit last Thursday.

   Now that the Supreme Court has ruled on the Texas law, I'm sure the ruling will end all debate on abortion.

   Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh... -People flipping the channels at 4 am in the morning

   The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.

   Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.

   Visit Britain because it's finally sorta affordable.

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.

   If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends

   Right now the most stable currency in the UK is the Cadbury Creme Egg.

   Money aside, what do you wish you had more of?All the money that you've pushed to the side

   .... Everyone has that one person in their life that is lucky to be alive and is only still breathing because you can't afford a hit-man ...

   Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest

   Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne?

   All aboard the disoriented express.....

   ...... Liberals to the Left of me .... Republicans to the right ...... Here I am ..... Stuck in the middle with you ......

   Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...

   If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?

   Miss those 90's thrillers when the bomb clock was still analog and only had three wires.

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.