Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.

   Just tried natural peanut butter. My week is off to a horrible start.

   Step One: Always have a solid alibi.

   You are less likely to kill your family during a long car trip if you are playing Travel BINGO.

   Instagram is good for showing highlights from your day, but Snapchat brings to life all those boring, in-between moments no one cares about.

   How's my day going? I just watched a fastest fish fillet competition video and had a rooting interest for one of the participants.

   I'm awesome cuz I can do 50 push-ups. Granted not at once and over 57 days.

   The #1 asset in my portfolio right now is Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.

   July 4th: The celebration of liberating slave owning populations from their higher masters with dragons, oh wait that's Game of Thrones.

   Only at the fair can you pay $500 for a $12 stuffed animal.

   Sometimes say that I use Uber just to sound cool, when in reality I took the city bus.

   This November I'm voting for the candidate who will bring back the original Four Loko recipe that killed those college kids.

   The more money you spend on a trip the less likely your kids will have a complete meltdown.

   Trying to eat healthy, too lazy to make a smoothie, so just ate the ingredients one by one. Probably shouldn't have washed it down with whiskey.

   If you travel to Mexico Donald Trump will require you to help pay for the wall.

   Enjoy your last Independence Day before it's renamed Trump Day.

   .... Happy 240th Birthday America.

   Be the reason that HR has to send out a memo every 4th of July reminding everyone that fireworks are not allowed in the office

   In my next Life I am coming back with money and looks instead of this sparkling personality crap ....

   Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.