Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "1-800-Yankees." - My reply when someone at a store asks me to give them a phone number.

   Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker |♠|♣|♥|♦|

   Just heard on the radio that former child star McCauley Culkin may soon get married for a second time...... I guess he was tired of being "Home Alone."

   Oxygen was discovered in 1772.... what did people breathe before then?

   The NRA says what happened in Nice, France cld have been stopped if everyone in the crowd also had a truck

   did primary voters even google "Clinton"?

   did the Trump campaign even Google Mike Pence?

   Today's Lesson: Do not hula hoop without a bra on. That is all.

   Mike Pence's home State Republicans are delighted he's running for Vice President rather then re-election as Govenor because they're worried HE WOULD LOSE!

   It's a good day to be an avid indoorsman. Just harvested some berries from my fridge and slaughtered a Pop-Tart.

   there anything other than Pokemon happening out there in the world? .... Nah

   Well ... Judging by this Chalk Line around me ... I must have slept really good last night!

   Ironically, the mullet was probably created to STOP red necks.

   We live in a world where trained cops can panic and act on impulse but untrained civilians must remain calm with a gun in their face.

   This Pokémon stuff is getting way too serious. My doctor was giving me a colonoscopy yesterday and found a Pikachu.

   If you run into a wall or walk off a cliff while chasing a Pikachu, I'm going to Laughatchu.

   If you watch "My Cousin Vinny" 12 times in a calendar year, you receive a law degree from the University of Phoenix.

   Haven't tried heroin yet, but I imagine the rush is like remembering I have pie in the fridge.

   Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

   Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."