Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So drunk last night. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   A porno so low budget, all you hear is someone stirring Mac and cheese.

   Go fund me = internet panhandling

   Two stuffed dogs at the Antiques Roadshow..."Ooh," Said the appraiser, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"....Duh? "Sticks"

   Girl on the bus keeps looking at my crocs. This is how sex starts. Watch and learn virgins.

   Always the bridesmaid never The Batman.

   Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

   and I thought Bi-polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference

   Just got burned by bacon grease and I ain't even mad because bacon...

   "Survivors remorse" proves who the real narcissists are...

   You know when a friend says they just don't know why they are single? And they are wearing Dansko clogs. Like they belong in a tree making cookies for Keebler? Life lesson 219....

   You know after a glass of wine...or four...and you tell a friend you started a go fund me page for her kids mental issues..... Just trying to help...

   People that say " I hate to break it to you" can't wait to break it to you!

   The DNC is going to be so interesting that BLM leaders are going to stop shooting Africans to watch.

   Juan Valdez is more Patriotic then the Clintons

   Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.