Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gang Initiation: Eat tortilla chips when you have a cut on the roof of your mouth.

   As an adult male, I should have taken women's multivitamins as a boy to mature faster.

   Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?

   Gum without the commitment: Mentos.

   People think I'm a good guy but I used to have a Jar Jar Binks poster.

   Brazil tie with South Africa 0-0 in soccer at Rio Olympics. Not to worry, though: EVERYONE goes home with a free Zika virus.

   Ladies you know what tonight is...Olympics and Chill?

   Man who punched George Zimmerman in the face charged with being awesome.

   It's OK Adobe Flash, I'm always outdated too.

   According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I'm OCD.

   ... The Iranians say it was Ransom, One of the Hostages says it was Ransom,... But the guy that went on TV 57 times and said "You can keep your Doctor" .... Says it was a coincidence.

   Trump or Clinton is about as appealing as a Doctor saying "Ointment or suppository?" to me.

   Rachel Maddow has a bigger Adam's Apple then I do. I'm just saying!

   This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   The mosquito subletting my apartment seems to find me delicious.

   I love the summer because I love how my ass and thighs form an irreparable bond with the car's scorching hot leather seat

   2016 Olympics Events: Opening ceremonies-100m Brazilian Wax Free-Style-Zika Pole Vault-Let's Be Difficult And Speak Portuguese While Most other S American Countries Speak Spanish Decathlon-100m Butterfly and Mosquito Swim For Gold.

   My bank account has been hacked....The hacker felt so sorry for me, he sent me a message and has started a gofundme page......

   It's only a matter of time before the Pokemon Rehabs pop up everywhere.

   A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.