Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion.

   I don't get what the big deal is: the entire Republican platform is plagiarized from my uncle's drunken Thanksgiving rants.

   "Do not touch!" must be one of the scariest things to read in brail.

   For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."

   Melania Trump denies breaking immigration laws, claims she was born in Chicago and graduated from Princeton.

   Wonder what you do for the other two hours at a Kings of Leon concert after they play 'Sex on Fire'....

   From what I can tell, there’s nothing in the city ordinances that prevents me from installing a fence that spells out BITE ME at my neighbor.

   Don't Tell The Kids #1: But the monster is under their bed because it refuses to pay rent for a full room.

   Don't Tell The Kids #2: But I spent their inheritance on gummy bears and Swedish fish.

   Trying to choose who to Vote for President is like trying to choose whether to eat a Dog Turd or a Cat Turd.

   ... It is a proven fact that when you clean out a Vacuum Cleaner .... You become a Vacuum Cleaner.

   Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.

   You can tell how rich someone is from their reaction when you tell them you had cheese toast for dinner.

   Preparing for old age by sitting on a bench watching construction workers lay cement. This will be my joy one day.

   Hey automatic flushing toilets, I decide when I'm finished.

   MTV's show Pimp My Ride was just propaganda for everyone to get tweed seats.

   Regardless of what you believe I think we can all agree that God is real and you're a Christian.

   Couples who smoke cigs together is like so Romeo & Juliet.

   A recent study shows that alcohol is a direct cause of 7 forms of cancer. And after hearing this bad news, I could really use a drink or two.

   They don't warn of how powerful and invincible you feel wearing a rain poncho.