Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's ironic how the sheer number of "customer loyalty" cards in my wallet and glovebox show I'm actually the most promiscuous customer ever.

   Go to bed. Go directly to bed. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

   Honestly tho.... 63% of my day is spent inconspicuously making sure I'm not wearing any articles of clothing inside out or backwards.

   My 5 year old is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.

   One time I listened to my kid tell an entire story without looking at my phone.

   Nothing like needing a toothpick to remind you that you are past your prime.

   Family vacations are 80% just yanking your kids around and saying, "Let's get your picture by this thing."

   Nothing knocks the ego down a notch like buying beer and seeing the words "age visually verified" on the receipt.

   Just ironed a crease in these basketball shorts so I can wear them for Casual Friday.

   What bugs me most about young kids is their disrespect for pasta. Those necklaces or that artwork might've been delicious. We'll never know.

   Nothing more disappointing than pizza crust so crunchy you split your tooth....

   9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.

   Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.

   Never rob a bank with a vegan... They will tell everyone.

   If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

   10 Ways to Put Me in a Better Mood... 1: Get... 2: Your... 3: Slow-ass... 4: Car... 5: Out... 6: Of... 7: The... 8: Frigging... 9: Left... 10: Lane

   f I ever invented time travel, I'd probably just keep going back to that time I got 7 chicken nuggets instead of 6.

   If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.

   And in other news… Trump’s design of the wall separating Mexico from USA has been changed and will no longer use thick glass panes for the wall outer surfaces.

   Welcome to parenting.... Hope you like ketchup.