Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Weird how 2X and 4X power dishwasher pods are the same price, like there's a market for people who only want minimal dishwashing power.

   The only thing I have in common with people who go on Shark Tank is that I, too, cry anytime somebody gives me money.

   You don't need to dress up as Harley Quinn for Halloween, you're 38.

   Just saw a lady walking down the street who looked like she was made out of 80% boot and 20% scarf.

   Owning a cat seems like a really satisfying Instagram experience.

   To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean."

   Funny how in school we referred to everyone by their first and last names but as adults we're just like "you know what's-his-face."

   No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you'll get at the way people park in the real word.

   For Halloween I'm wearing a big mirror on the lower half of my body and going as when you accidentally open your front-facing camera.

   Got a notice from the HOA that I didn't post a pic of my kid at a pumpkin patch.

   I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

   They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

   Does anybody out there know the Google Map Satellite image co-ordinates of any Nudist Colonies?

   HA ... The Government says that 93 Million people are out of work but yet say that Unemployment is only at 5% ..... The total population of the US is 325 Million so I guess they're using Common Core Math to arrive at that result.

   What I learned in high school: If you lose the game, don't dump Gatorade on the coach's head.

   Wait, I'm confused. Is Pete Burns Dead or Alive? (Too soon?)

   What's that electral dysfunction commercial that says "Call a doctor if you have a painful election lasting more than four hours"?...who do you call if it lasts a whole year? Oh wait it wasn't an election...oops never mind ;)

   So broke this year that i'm having a Thanksgiving Chicken instead...

   This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like's your idea"

   I say let the liberals have all the abortions, free birth control, and gay marriages they want. If they don't repoduce they will soon cease to exist.