Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when a TV chef says you can easily make this from stuff in your pantry. I'm still waiting for them to show me how to make something out of ramen noodles, potato chips, and a half eaten bag of Oreos.

   I don't hate you but I'd pay to see you take a Trailer hitch to the shin !

   Our entire planet is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere placed on a shelf in an alien student's classroom as a science fair project that got a C minus.

   Can't wait until November 2nd when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Can't wait until march 9th when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a concidence.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   Big ass booty

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."