Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully I was at work.

   I grew up a stones throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

   Work is like a browser: 20 tabs open, 5 frozen, and you have no idea where the music is coming from.

   I hate when I'm on Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield.

   The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "amigo". Am I in a gang now?

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. How special does that personalized horoscope feel now?

   The reason that partakers of marijuana tend to enjoy Hostess® and Little Debbie® snack-cakes is because they're 'baked goods.'

   My wife's New Year's resolutions: 1. I will not nag my husband. 2. I will not boss my husband around. 3. I will obey my husband's every command.

   Facebook should have notifications like: "Karen and Steven took your post personal. Do you want to unfriend those people?"

   We would probably be better off if Y2K had actually destroyed all computers back in the year 2000