Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guess what? I've got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.

   I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   Working with 4 women and married to another, I don't forsee being a polygamist anytime in my future

   without a doubt the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.

   There once was a man named Hawking, who got bored of walking He got on a scooter, attached a computer, and now it does all of his talking

   you'll always be my hero. even though you've lost your mind

   THE ANSWER TO AGE OLD QUESTION OF HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL TOOTSIE POP IS...... 277. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE AFTER HALLOWEEN I HAVE HAD 637 OF THEM

   drink up! And happy birthday to somebody somewhere.

   Do not drunk dial or text tonight. Note to self: come back and read this at 3am

   Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better. Because I answer.. .

   At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

   why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable... Like a coma.

   Ever think about some of the things we say? Exactly how does a person "turn up misssing"?

   in America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary

   I'm so miserable without you, it's almost as if you were here.

   The average penis length of a man is 5 1/2 inches. The average penis length of a man who googles "penis length" is 3 1/2 inches.

   YOU'RE just another brick in the Facebook wall!

   can't stand it when someone posts some spoiling info about a movie I haven't seen yet.

   "You know you've been tagged in a photo on Facebook when there you've got more than 17 Notifications from people you don't know commenting on a photo of you.

   Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of dying he sings..