Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

   A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

   I'm the one who screwed you all, but thanks for blaming the black guy.. George. Bush

   If I could take it all back right now, I wouldn't..i would have done more sh@t that people said that I shouldn't..

   Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?

   Raining cats and dogs.....Why can't it rain cougars amd beavers?

   Remember, a doggie isn't just for Christmas... it's a f-kin good position all year round!

   i thought I saw you today, but as I got closer, I realized it was a trash can

   Not a good idea to Text/tweet and walk at the same time. Trust me, the pole is closer than you think...

   Don't tell other people your problems. 90% of people don't care, and the other 10% are glad you have them.

   my sub teacher in 11th grade was born without arms, he asked a girl "need a hand" & she laughed ..he should of slapped her!

   There's a fine line between looking tan and looking like you rolled in a bag of Doritos.

   Dear Week, I am leaving you for the Weekend. I would say it's not you, it's me, but let's face it, it was you. Sincerely, Me

   Dear complicated life decisions: be easier.

   I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   Breaking News... President Obama travels to India to visit former American jobs...

   money isn't the key to happiness? then where is the key? hidden in a stupid box somewhere, like in Pirates Of The Caribbean?

   Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila