Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   Good... Morning America, Afternoon Europe, Evening Asia, Night Australia... Did I get that right?

   "1 2 3 4, I declare a tongue war!" seems like it would be an awesome pick up line but it's not. Trust me.

   Off is the general direction in which I wish you would f*ck.

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   told this morning he/she look great today by a stranger, I felt great, until I realized they were blind

   loving Brett Favre's annual cover of the song "Should I Stay or Should I Go"

   Definition of a Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

   I enjoy working out at the gym. It helps me to know that other people are suffering with me!

   I have never understood why advertisers feel the need to show you extreme close-up shots in dog and cat food commercials. Its not like we are the ones eating it?!?!

   There are certain truths in life: Lasagna just tastes better the next day as a leftover!

   Shaquille O' Neal in green? Anyone else thinking Shrek?

   "America's Got Talent" should be renamed "America's Got Weirdos".

   revising the whole webster dictionary.

   Just because you are chained to the fence...doesn't mean you can't bark at a few dogs

   They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was going to go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.

   I'm going to start naming my word documents "The Earth" so when I'm done, my pc will ask me if I want to save "the earth or not

   I believe in ghosts. I believe in aliens. But theres no way you will ever persuade me into believing in alien ghosts. Ridiculous.

   Yankee's A-Rod just tapped his 600th. 14000 shy of Wilt Chamberlin.

   checking the obituaries for any cool job openings