Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   There is only one woman who has truly changed me. It was my mother and I was a baby.

   ...and buying sushi from 7-11 wasn't even the worst I made decision today

   In positive news, 6,694,254,041 people completely unaffected by the Pakistan floods.

   bought a new car and named it "Curiosity". The cats down my road have had it now!

   do you ever look at someone and think 'out of 10,000,000 sperm YOU were the fastest?'

   so far its been one of those weeks where the middle finger can answer any question!!!

   I can't believe it, just when I moved to a nice neighbourhood away from all the theft and gun crime, they've gone and invented the houses that were too close.

   When you have a cat....you never poop alone.

   real men don`t wear pink , it ain`t big and it ain`t clever.

   I'm one click of the mouse away from taking over the world. HA, HA, HA......

   wished parents would stop posting pics of their kids every day on facebook. We know how ugly your kid is with out the constant reminder.

   at the circus watching a guy shoot out of a cannon. I thought, "Half of me wants to do that sometime.". Then I thought, "Half of me already did do that the day I was conceived!"

   August 4th 1969....Yeah, not a day that America needed! Or what ever country he was REALLY born in..

   When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   Scientists have been investigating how snails know how to find their way home. WTF? It's on their backs.

   and Premature Ejaculation are now friends...

   A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief....Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed