Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the one that started today's Brett Favre is set to retire rumor and is watching the aftermath unfold. Haha..gotcha!!

   a lady cop pulls over a drunk, and says sir, anything you say may be held against you. the drunk man yells "titties"

   If you go to jail and get punked for your shower shoes, pissing on your feet is an equally effective way to disinfect.

   why is the butter always in the back of the fridge??

   I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

   NOT being considered to be a judge on American Idol!

   men's prison is a lot like facebook...if someone really likes you, they'll poke you a lot

   The thing about unreliable people is that they are very consistent at what they do.

   on a spinny chair... now you see me... now you don't... now you see me... now you don't...and I get a paycheck for doing this lol

   Drugs give me the confidence to do things I never thought possible. Like, lead police on a 12 hour high speed chase.

   You may think I'm dumb but you over estimate me.

   Wondering If I can get a clock that tells woman time. You know, "be back in a minute"=1-2hours. " be right there"=anywhere between 25 to 45 minutes. and of course the imfamous, "Lets just stop by and say hi."= 6hours plus. And last but not least, "just

   Brett Favre has just announced he is going to play for the Miami Heat this seaon!

   Bristol Palin has called off her wedding. A Palin calling it quits? Say it isn't so.

   Wonders why are there so many whales on shark week this year. Opppss, never mind. I was watching "The View"

   Brett Farve has announced his "retirement" once again, now tying Cher for most retirements in one career.

   Home Depot has opened their own pharmacy and the hottest item is their version of a male enhancement pill. The side effect is when a pretty girl walks by your garage door opens.

   In his first day since stepping down from BP, Tony Hayward took a $hit in his neighbor's pool.

   do not ever think a Mach 3 razor is an appropriate to tool to get rid of nose hairs.......

   how mad will you be when you find out all the herbs and spices in kfc is just salt