Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved

   why do people spend all day at work talking about going to the bar, then spend all night at the bar talking about work?

   John, I have two bad news, which one do you want to hear first?" "Combine them!" "Your wife cheats us!"

   Happy F@g Month, El Freakos.

   I trust CNN about as far as I can throw MSNBC.

   In many cases, dogs aren't always man's best friend. They're one man's best friend. They're usually everyone else's enemy.

   Thanks to A.I seeing a baby with a Mullet and a beard seems perfectly normal these days

   As I was driving in the city I saw my ex crossing the street and the term, "I'd hit that", took on a whole new meaning!

   When French people swear, do they say excuse my English?

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

   In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

   If Those "why does the military only get one day people" actually cared they'd mention it any other month otherthen pride