Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The moment you think I'm stupid, I've already outsmarted you.

   When the moon in your eye is at just 6:25, It's December.

   Just checked my bank account. And it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   Keep it up and you'll be a strange smell in my attic.

   Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn.

   Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog.

   I didn't even realize how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.

   If you think religion is harmless fairy tales. Try typing "youth pasture" in Google

   Why do people say, "Tuna fish sandwich"? Nobody says, "Chicken Bird Sandwich".

   I'm starting to suspect that they print "EZ Open Package" on stuff just to make us all feel stupid.

   I wonder if the police let Luigi Mangione finish his Happy Meal...

   If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

   Are there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

   Santa said I've been so good this year that he put me at the top of his nice list.

   Girlfriend

   Burger King - We don’t snitch.

   Sometimes, I'd like to give it all up and become a hook-nosed Joo

   If you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Melania Trump, don't open it. It might be spam. And if you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Kamala Harris, don't open it. It might be nude pictures of Kamala Harris.

   What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5