Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you hate it when you start treating someone like they treat you and they suddenly think you're an asshole?

   President Thomas Jefferson once said, never believe anything you read on the internet.

   My Grief Counselor died today. He was so good.. I don't even care!

   Told my Cat I was going to teach him English today....He looked up and said... Me? How?

   I'm thinking about taking up Meditation. It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

   Anyone else buy bananas that are not only a great source of fiber and vitamins but can also help maintain a healthy heart just to watch them die a slow and miserable death sitting on your counter?

   When I was a kid, before Facebook, I remember when taking the time out and having to stare at a wall was considered a punishment.

   Somebody ripped a page out of my new 2024 calendar! I'm disMayed!

   This Sunday, Daylight Saving Time begins. We don't save any daylight. It gets stolen from the morning and is given to the evening. Daylight Stealing Time.

   I'm already losing an hour on Sunday for daylight savings time. No way in hell am I losing more by watching the Oscars!

   All my post were removed, because someone took A Fence

   Tonight is the best night of the year to have relations with the old lady…you can set performance records if you start at 1:58 am🤪

   My class essay on internal organs was too short. So I added an appendix.

   I got into a debate with a Flat Earther today . He said he would walk to the edge to prove he's right.... I told him he'd come around eventually.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   Good Day @everyone. our College Orientation & Research Symposium will be re schedule

   Marriage tip: If your wife says she's only getting two things at the store, don't believe her. She's lying!

   Customer service in 2024: "I don't know the answer and neither does anybody else. I suggest that you call back another time. Now before I let you go, is there anything else I can help you with?"

   Just got home from Oklahoma. It was OK.

   If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it. Just make your last post something fun like "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"