Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.

   It’s sad that having real ingredients in food products is a selling point.

   Start every phone call with "Hey, my phone is about to die...". That way you can hang up on tem any time.

   The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

   Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

   Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

   I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

   As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

   I never forget a face; but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

   How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   The two e’s in bee might actually be silent.

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   Who thinks Monkeypox is the government's next excuse to take away more of our freedoms?

   If your girl says 'keycat' instead of 'cat' you're probably going to jail...

   I was watching a TV Show about the Top Ten ways to avoid a shark attacking. I'm surprised "stay out of the water" wasn't one of them.

   When the food is so good you accidentally overeat to the point that you’re afraid you might die.

   Maybe in order to understand mankind, we must look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words, "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

   You know, spooning leads to forking, right?

   If dogs ever take over the world and they chose a king, I hope they don't just go by size; because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.