Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar. I told him that I would take a stab at it.

   Guns don't kill people. Abortionists do.

   Started investing in stocks: Chicken, Beef, Vegetable… One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   Little boy: Daddy, do trees poop? Dad: Of course, that’s how we get number 2 pencils.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   My tongue itches, can I scratch it on your baby maker?

   Are you a ceiling fan? Because I need someone to blow me while I sleep.

   Confucius says ~ He who wear mask alone in car, also wear condom alone in bed.

   Silver Alert: Elderly white male, early dementia, yells “C’mon Man!”

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   Pretty sure we’re at that point in the game where everyone just rolls the dice in quiet disgust while waiting to be completely wiped out.

   The only intelligent tactical response to life’s horrors, is to laugh defiantly at it.

   A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

   Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That's why I think of jogging every morning...

   A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

   Mexican word of the day: Bodywash. “No bodywash CNN because they’re fake news.”

   Someone just gave me half a peace sign, that’s weird.

   Keep your relationship fresh by writing each other love notes like, “I considered murdering you whilst ye slumbered in yon bedchambers.”

   There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.

   I have a crush on 28 of you, figure it out.