Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Drill Sergeant Day, otherwise known as MARCH FORTH!

   I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life. It's an Oughtobiography.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 4 oz. is pretty unrealistic.

   My loan got approved! Next week, I will be the proud owner of a full tank of gas.

   I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   I had to fire my fruit delivery driver. I felt bad for letting the mango but he was driving me bananas.

   I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those Diet and Exercise scams.

   People who cheat on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

   Daylight Saving Time arrives early Sunday morning. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I still have 4 1/2 hours of work left.

   Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.

   Does anybody know how can I send an "enemy" request on FB?

   If history repeats itself........I'd like to buy myself a dinosaur....

   sometimes when i'm drunk I choose the Chinese option on the ATM to challenge myself.

   Just saved alot of Money on my Car Insurance by fleeing the Scene of the Accident.

   I filled up my car and it showed up on my credit report.

   Dear Walgreens: Please stop putting diarrhea medicine on the bottom shelf. -Everyone

   My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

   Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

   Our toes look nothing like that – Camels