Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”

   Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard Wife: *smirking* ok Me: *pulls out my game boy*

   Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

   Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

   if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

   Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

   It’s going to be a lot harder to overthrow the US Government on Pinterest.

   I've seen umpteen Facebook posts from folks claiming it would be their last. Nope.

   So. . . Are they gonna use the NFL cardboard cutouts for an audience?

   Post Malone and Luke Combs could probably really do some permanent damage on peoples hearts if they wrote a song together

   I wonder if Bill Cosby's hoping to be on Trump's final pardon list today

   I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

   Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

   Biden will be the 2nd Catholic (JFK was the first) to ever hold the office of the Presidency.

   Now that Biden won, watch me not wear his name on a hat or fly his flag on my lawn for 4 years like a f**kin weirdo.

   This Inauguration thingy look kinda fancy for a man that still owes me $600

   If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

   Peter Griffith : Now There's a Family Guy .

   Does the White House have a " "smoking room"? Asking for Hunter.

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...