Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hates when vegans say, “nice to meat you,” instead of, “nice to plant you.”

   Biden won. Get over it, Trump weirdos.

   Since the beginning of the corvid the closest thing to a vacation I've been taking is by logging out of my unpaid job at facebook.

   Biden cheated. Get over it. He's a cheater....

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self-centered lives already in progress.

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.

   If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.

   I just need you to find me 100 upvotes! I can't stand losing, and I'll try anything to win!

   When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

   My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

   I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

   Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

   Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

   Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

   My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

   Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

   Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?” Now, I’m blocked.

   I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

   My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

   That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.