Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

   My New Year's Resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me- no one likes a quitter.

   Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"

   COME ON STIMULUS I GOT THE BODYWASH UPSIDE DOWN WIT A LIL WATER IN IT. 🤣

   It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

   I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

   If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

   Still not sure what I am wearing to the living room this New Years Eve

   I'm making Hilaria Baldwin's paella recipe for dinner and... Wait a minute. This is clam chowder!

   Happy 2021 New Year to all of you who will be staying home in your pajamas eating snacks on New Year's Eve, just like any other year.

   You know you are getting old when you look forward to going to bed before midnight, instead of staying up after.

   Before I get drunk, I wanna wish everyone a happy father's day.

   My New Years resolution for 2021 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   Raffling off my $600 stimulus check $20 a spot 50 spots available direct message me if you’re interested

   Plan-Demic Cruelty. Let us never forget, was unleashed on the world intentionally one week after the failed impeachment hoax.

   Just found a document that says all our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776…

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   Farting under the covers is no longer called a dutch oven. It’s now a "covid test". If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

   Why should I trust the toothpaste recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists when they're the ones who make money fixing people's teeth?