Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

   I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

   How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

   I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

   Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

   Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Sh$t” and a one and a two

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

   This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me

   kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again

   When people say we're in this together! I wonder if they'd mind if I sent them some of my bills until my stimulus check gets here?

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*

   Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

   Twisted Tea is the new Can of Whoop-ass.

   2022 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!