Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.

   Not today, Satan. Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

   My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....

   You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one......but think the odds of winning the HGTV Dream Home are pretty good.

   Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking, he is.

   why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

   A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.

   anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

   I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: I'll have two McRib sandwiches to go, please.

   Queen's Gambit: The only thing more boring than chess, is a series about it.

   When I die I want why tombstone to offer free wifi so that people will connect to me often

   If you're offended by someone else's tweet, they aren't insensitive, you're just a p*ssy.

   Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

   You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

   I switched all the labels on the Spice rack..... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

   I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

   *swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

   Lexus commercial: husband surprises wife with a new car in the driveway. I surprise both of them by shooting it with a paintball gun

   Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate.