Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.

   “I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole” -Families making Christmas plans in 2020

   Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.

   Does the ebonics alphabet contain the letter "D"? All I hear is, "My mom an' Dat." "I'm ok, I'm goot." "I like Chevy but I also like Fort."

   Due to my white privilege I will be donating my Covid vaccine to someone less fortunate.

   My daughter was eating a snack cake while her mother gave her a haircut. I said, "You're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She said, "I know, daddy. And I'm gonna get b00bies too!"

   My Sons Teacher: December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to make a Christmas Star

   Sons Teacher on zoom: On December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to form the Christmas star. Me in background: pssst....son ask her where Uranus will be? Son: Teacher where will Uranus be? Teacher: Well it will be over here. [Points to map] Son: Uranu

   If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

   I love snow – People who never shovel

   “I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag

   What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

   my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

   Does it bother anyone else when you here someone say, "I axe him"

   I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   I think that Biden got confused with picking Mayor Pete as Transportation Secretary. He is a Rhodes Scholar, not a Roads Scholar.

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

   Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

   AMAN: Well son...If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to put the milk back into a refrigerator, Then yes, I suggest marriage.