Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   everything I know about british people was learned from watching Mr Bean and honestly I’ve seen enough

   If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

   Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

   You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread – the inventor of croutons

   To be or not to be is no longer the question for a man named William Shakespeare who received the first vaccine shot who is to be!

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   I just saw a Ritz Crackers commercial with some frootcake putting on lipstick, then going over his blowboy's house for huggy time. The world is ending.

   Just watch the movie Tenet. It felt like a glorifed Back to the Future. Except with more plot holes.

   My wife asked me to put up a canopy with bright lights. I told her now is the winter of our disco tent.

   Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

   Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

   they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

   If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds

   I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.

   “Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.