Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

   Which wines pair best with gloating?

   I’m really thankful I had a childhood before social media took over.

   if life was real, how come you’ve never seen your neighbours bring in their groceries??

   I just saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance by leaving the scene of an accident!

   Mandating masks outdoors is like mandating seatbelts when you’re not in a car.

   I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

   Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

   I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

   Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say Moderna: ours is 195% Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

   My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

   It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

   The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

   You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters

   Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio

   Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

   I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

   Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

   thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money