Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coming to theaters on January 20, 2021: "Hey! Where's All My Free Stuff?" Tickets: $70. Popcorn: $55. Coke or Sprite: $40.

   States are going blue like a pad in a period commercial

   Parenting fact: The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one

   My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

   Remember how people saying the pandemic would be over the day after the election? Well, you haven't seen much about in the news these past few days, have you?

   Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father.

   One day, I would love to visit the state of JOEgia.

   The news is reporting we had 100,000 new coronavirus cases in our country. Not sure what you're talking about "magically disappearing"

   If we are just going to hand the election to the person that gets more votes, then democracy is truly broken...sad.

   Seriously… The Chick-fil-A drive-through workers could’ve counted these votes by now… and they’d give you a “my pleasure!“ while doing it. 😐

   With all this stress eating, I may hit 270 before either of the candidates.

   you lazy folks will be happy.. free healthcare, free college, what more can a person want

   If anyone is going to be alone for Thanksgiving this year please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs.

   Pinocchio wins award for being more credible than the pollsters.

   I believe in doing things in a definitive manner. That being said, in the unlikely event I decide to do any looting, I'm going to loot a lute.

   Biden didn't beat Trump. Trump beat Trump by being a complete clown. He ruined all the good that he accomplished by opening his big flaptrap one too many times.

   There are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.

   I was thinking....it's going to be really weird when Biden moves into the White House and has to share a bed with Trump because he refuses to leave

   Just trying to figure out how I'm going to lower my income to under 400k. And then be expected to survive on that!?

   For some reason, I'm reminded of all the happy people celebrating on the deck of the Titanic right before it left port...