Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

   If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

   Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

   Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

   Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn’t find a sitter for Biden.

   As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."

   Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

   Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

   When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

   I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

   Men must have ex 22 times a month in order to not be a risk of prostate problems

   The Rock has lost 48 million followers in the last few days.

   They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!

   New England Patriots QB Cam Newton tested positive for Covid. Next game postponed, yet still find a way to win.

   I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?

   Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

   Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

   The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.