Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

   You know 2020 is laughing at you when it tells you that Stormy Daniels collected more money from Trump, in 2016, than the IRS.

   As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.

   Joe B. to wife: I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

   People who make their cars come to a complete halt on top of a railroad tracks to look both ways to see if a train is coming need to stop!....I mean go!

   Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

   My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.

   May your coffee kick in before reality does.

   Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

   Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

   We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

   Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

   "Keep your nose out of my business" as a whole new meaning towards people who can't keep their nose in their masks.

   Hope I don't get any trick-or-treaters this year as restaurants stop giving away fast food condiments.

   Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.

   Look. If you've cornholed one chubby mama, you've cornholed them all.

   Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

   can you believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us