Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Biden's favorite TV show? Teletubbies. He says it reminds him of his favorite crutch on TV...Teleprompters.

   Over the past 15-years, Donald Trump has paid more for sex than he did in taxes.

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

   I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.

   My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

   sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

   Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

   It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

   it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

   I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

   A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

   To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair. Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.

   If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

   My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.

   Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

   In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

   People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.