Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman, but I won’t letter!

   That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

   Does anyone know if we have any wiggle room when it comes to the 6ft distances rule?

   Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

   Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

   The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one

   Ruth Bader Ginsburg actually died years ago. She just got the memo today.

   Maybe the Pandemic Shutdown of 2020 was organized by Keyser Soze

   I can't be the only one who’s first instinct when a fly lands on their computer screen is to try to scare it with the cursor.

   Orwell called them Thought Police. Zuckerberg calls them Fact Checkers.

   it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?

   This anger management class is pissing me off.

   Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!

   Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

   I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

   This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

   Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.

   ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns

   My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

   i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway