Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.

   My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

   I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

   A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

   If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

   If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   All those tree huggers should've let the loggers cut down all the forests!

   For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

   I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross

   He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a taco drink He drinks a pizza drink – me with a broken jaw

   I told someone to question everything. He replied to me "even your conspiracy theories?" After that, I feel so confused all the time.