Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mask broke while I was in a store and I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.

   We used to hang lace panties on our rear view mirrors, now it's face masks. Men what have we become :P

   Why are armed citizens standing guard over their property called vigilantes but rioting anarchists called peaceful protesters?

   Colin Kaepernick must feel more left out than Kunta Kinte at a Country Music festival.

   My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.

   I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I dookie anymore

   imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

   Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play … Me: *jumps out of airplane*

   Remember, after the police have been defunded and you have to shoot intruders, call 811 before you dig. It's the law.

   Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

   It's really ironic that usually when I have to show my driver's license it's to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   Ah doan care what any of y'all say, ain't no man likes a tattoo on da tiddy.

   Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...

   Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

   If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

   I do all my own stunts but not intentionally.

   If a young couple lose their virginity at a KFC, do they now have Colonel knowledge of each other?

   Why am I sleeping on the couch? well lets put it this way she caught me talking on the phone last night and it was not Jake from State farm

   Here we go. Everyone on FB is making 911 all about themselves. "Hey, don't forget me!" SMH.

   In high school I tried using anonymous sources instead of real citations. This was not allowed, because I was a ninth grader and not a journalist.