Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   therapist: and what motivation will we use ? me: hate fueled spite ? therapist: no

   I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

   Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat* Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to…. Me: Shat.

   If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

   Me: *panic buying* [Later At Home] Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf? Me: I panicked

   me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks? wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

   My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.

   A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

   Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

   I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

   worm: sorry I slept in hey where is everyone

   Customer: Do you guys have wings? Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

   2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead. 2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

   Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

   Your quarantine name is your Amazon username and password.

   I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

   Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with? Me – An elevator repairman.

   If someone offers you cash from a van and tells you it’s your stimulus check, you can take it, but just know it’s not the type of stimulus check you think it is.

   It's raining it's pouring and this quarantine is boring.

   Are bank robbers eligible for unemployment?