Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   * Thank goodness I have direct deposit so I can advoid having to see his signature on my check.

   My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

   I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

   Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !

   Due to the threat of possible storms, all homeschools will be on a two hour delay tomorrow.

   Hey got a new challenge for you Trumpster haters... Post a pic of you tearing your stimulus check up on social media.

   Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

   When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.

   Things could be worse, like the meteorite the size of a house that flew between the Earth and the moon last night which if it had taken a slightly different course would have made your problems seem kind of trivial. So smile and be happy!

   I'd absolutely watch a TV show where people are forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks.

   And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.

   * To help my bored stay at home friends to past the time, I made a DVD video of his dumbest speeches to watch.

   Today is national wear your pajamas to work day. Didn't that start when the stay at home orders went into effect?

   Let’s see how long this $1200 last before the gofundme pages start back up

   The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

   2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

   There are two rules for success... 1) Don't tell everything you know.

   You wanna sum up how screwed up 2020 is? It’s April 15th, and the IRS just sent us all money!