Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reinforce your Ikea furniture and make yourself comfortable in mom’s basement for four more years, mi!!ennials. Bernies out!

   Anybody else up to 6 meals a day

   Not sure what the guy below is saying. I'm a property manager with a company that has hundreds of rentals. Only 4 are late.

   I’m done with my 90 Day trial of 2020! How Do I Cancel my Membership?

   Think I'm starting to understand how Howard Hughes must have felt self isolating, except for I'm not staying in a luxury Las Vegas hotel, have billions of dollars or servants leaving things at my door, but other than that I think I understand how he felt.

   For sale slightly used daily planner.

   From Our CEO To Our Valued Customers Please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

   Felt something cold and wet on my arm, damn mosquito used an alcohol wipe before he bit me.

   When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.

   A Pizza is just a real-time Pie Chart showing how much Pizza is left.

   Let's be real, most people who signed up for Facebook didn't have a social life to begin with so staying at home should be easy.

   If dispensaries don’t offer “herb side pickup”, they are really missing out on a prime opportunity.

   Still haven't used a package of Willow brand toilet paper I scored as I just love the name Willow, thats like Wilson but softer, longer-lasting, more essential.

   Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.

   Has anyone got a spare ‘medically induced coma’ I can borrow ?

   If gas goes under $1.00 ima put some in the freezer.

   Wonder how those “I’ll never spank my Children doing” parents are doing. Y’all Good ?

   If there’s one thing this lockdown has taught me; it’s that your first breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

   How can the guy below refer to anyone's dumbness when he spells quarantine like that? You can't make this stuff up, folks.

   Well at least before the coronavirus I got in plenty of practice socially distancing myself thanks to facebook.