Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend comes up to me and says "Hey I smell weed!" I said "Why aren't you 6 feet away?"

   My friend is terrible at geography...his grade is below C level

   Thanks for the post!

   With the stay at home order in some states, I wonder how soon it will be before we start hearing about people going stir-crazy like Jack Nicholson in the movie The Shining.

   List ten jobs. Nine should be jobs you have actually done. One should be a lie. Let's see if people can guess the fib! My list is below: 1. Waitress 2. Bartender 3. Video Store Clerk 4. Payroll Acct 5.Factory Line Worker 6. Auto Parts Manager 7. Chef 8.

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but you already ate.

   Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.

   On the bright side, at least we found a way to stop mass shooting in schools, offices, malls and concerts.

   With this corona virus thing, just heard that infidelity is down 99.9%

   Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear.

   Grown ass men on Facebook playing Eye spy..Really?..Well when you're done playing that, maybe you can pull out your childhood easy bake oven, and make us all some cupcakes.

   I haven’t wanted to drink an ice cold beer this bad in a bar since I was underage.

   I've been working a side hustle delivering for restaurants and so far as I can tell, those X-rated movies are bull crap.

   If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

   Germans are going to be hit with large fines if they invade someone else's space! 80 years too late if you ask me?

   If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

   Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

   When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?

   Living in a time when '3 squares' means more than just food.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the druggies are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.