Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

   The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

   me: WTF all the shelves are empty sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

   Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

   Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.

   My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.

   You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple

   Day 7 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   Literal Cheesy Pick-Up Line: Excuse me, are you Swiss? I'd love to check out your holes.

   hey you the atheist below please move on

   Should marijuana be legalized? Let's have a reefer-endum.

   What's a Kleptomaniacs favorite band? Take That

   Once this corona tension is over....will take 7 days break and rest at home.

   I toilet papered my house last night. It's now worth 1.4 million.

   idiot post below

   Fake Christian below.

   Weird, thousands of people working from home getting paychecks and not a single one has called in sick all week.

   I bought some TP at the dollar store today so yeah, life is going pretty good these days...