Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been trying out the rum diet this week, I've lost 2 days already.

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.

   I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.

   You must first feel comfortable in someone else's skin before you can feel comfortable in your own. --Psycho Therapy

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

   Over 50 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

   Breaking News: Trump screams at Mike Pence for not praying hard enough to make Biden lose.

   I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

   Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor

   The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing. To let me know when I am wrong.

   I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

   I rather shove a wet noodle up a bobcat's ass in a telephone booth, rather than listen to another one of Trump's speaches.

   You can try to take off my granny panties, but they'll just grow back stronger.

   I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like "WHAAAAAT----NOT AGAIN!" and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.